


Can I hold your hand?

by Writing_in_SIN



Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [19]
Category: Kamen Rider - All Media Types, Kamen Rider Ex-Aid
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Houjou Emu Needs A Hug, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22971637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_in_SIN/pseuds/Writing_in_SIN
Summary: Sometimes, he dreams of a world where Parad didn't take his hand (couldn't or wouldn't, he's not sure) and then Emu is left gasping awake to escape that world; ANY world that didn't have Parad safe and alive with him.
Relationships: Houjou Emu & Parad (Kamen Rider Ex-Aid), Houjou Emu/Parad
Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538683
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Can I hold your hand?

**Author's Note:**

> If you like, come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://writing-in-sin.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Writing_in_SIN)

* * *

**"Can I hold your hand?"**

* * *

Emu thinks that hands are an amazing part of the human body.

They can heal as much as they can hurt; can save as much as they can destroy. Emu has seen hands that belong to all sorts of people from countless walks of life. Some make food, others build skyscrapers. There are those that catch criminals and—

— there are those that kill.

Emu has done much with the hands he was born with. A majority of it of course, has been divided evenly between playing games and saving lives. The former is a pure, simple joy while the latter is a bone deep desire to help. As such, Emu hopes that he has used them well and that for all of his faults, he still managed to help and save lives. But like many others, there are times when he used his hands for things he's not proud of; times when he was too late to help. Or worst, times when he used them to hurt; to bring pain and fear and agony.

_You need to get the ending that you deserve, remember?_

Whenever he remembers those times, Emu can't even look at his hands; so ashamed as he is.

Sometimes, he dreams of a world where Parad didn't take his hand (couldn't or wouldn't, he's not sure) and then Emu is left gasping awake to escape that world; _any_ world that didn't have Parad safe and alive with him. In those moments, Emu would bury his head in drawn up knees, cocooning himself away from the world as tightly as he could while desperately doing his best to calm back down.

After those times, Emu tends to stare at their hands; his and especially Parad's. Emu tries to be careful about it though because he doesn't want Parad to worry; especially when it's just a silly fear.

"I don't think it's silly."

Almost spilling his coffee in surprise, Emu turns to the side to find Parad sitting on the desk by his elbow.

And here he thought that he's the only one in CR.

"Warning, please," Emu grumbles as he carefully sets aside his mug.

Parad smirks, swinging his legs. "Sorry."

"No, you're not," he deadpans with a snort.

"No, I'm not," Parad agrees as his smirk widens, before his expression turns serious. "I don't think it's silly."

Any other person would be appalled to have their minds and every thought easily read like an open book— would see it as a breach of privacy. For Emu though, it's a comfort and something fundamental that he holds dear. Even so, he wanted to avoid worrying his bugster with these thoughts so, right now? It's a bit disconcerting.

Emu rubs a hand to his face. "Why not?"

"Why would I?" Tilting his head, Parad leans close as his voice takes on a reasonable tone. "You don't think it's silly that I'm afraid of water."

Grimacing, he looks down at the table in shame. "And who's fault do you think _that_ is?"

"We've been through this." Parad reaches out to tilt up Emu's chin with a finger, eyes soft. "It's not your fault, Emu. I was already afraid of water when Cronus went after me."

He purses his lips. "And I made it worse with what I did to you."

The bond thrums, their emotions pushing and pulling between them. It's an old argument they have; one neither of them are willing to budge on. While it's true that it turned out for the better, it didn't change the fact that Emu hurt someone very precious to him. Parad always counters that he couldn't be reasoned with at the time and that since they were enemies, it's only a given that they'd eventually hurt each other.

They sigh.

"Agree to disagree?" Emu offers.

Parad nods. "For now."

In response to that, Emu pokes his tongue out; causing Parad to laugh. After a moment, Parad pulls his hand back and Emu has to resist from chasing after him. Noticing his reaction, Parad places his left hand between them on the table and turns it; palm up.

"This isn't about me," Parad murmurs, gentle and without censure before wiggling his fingers with a smile. "It's okay to ask, y'know?"

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Emu stares at the hand that's offered to him. Unbiddenly, his mind flashes back to the last time he tried to reach for Parad and he remembers feeling so helpless and horrified when he was too little too late— hand closing on the empty space where Parad used to be.

"Emu."

Returning to himself, Emu takes a shuddering breath and reaches a hand out to let it hover above Parad's. Looking up, he sees the smile and feels the bond humming like a heartbeat, and allows himself to ask. "Can I hold your hand?"

Eyes infinitely soft, Parad nods. "Of course."

Immediately, he latches onto Parad's hand and those long fingers curl around his in an answering grip.

Once he's certain that Parad won't fade away as he did before (as he does when the nightmares are particularly cruel), Emu loosens his white-knuckled grip but doesn't let go. Bringing up his free hand, he toys the edge of the magenta sleeve and in a moment of indecision, he glances questioningly up at Parad.

In answer, the bugster pulls the sleeve up to his elbow; revealing his bare arm.

Emu brushes his fingers across pale skin with a heavy heart as his fingertips skim across jagged scars before settling upon the wrist; pressing down to feel the comforting thump, thump of a pulse. The sound he makes at that is like a cross between a sigh and a sob, and it takes everything in him not to come apart by the seams.

Parad's other hand comes up to card through Emu's hair and he leans into the touch.

"I never thanked you, did I?" Parad asks, voice nothing but a whisper.

Emu blinks back the burn behind his eyes, brows furrowing. "For what?"

"For offering your hand to me." Parad lets out a self-depreciating chuckle. "Especially when I didn't deserve it."

While it's true that he'd been furious at Parad at the time and that his decision was more of a gamble out of necessity but honestly, Emu will never regret diving after Parad as he did— now more than ever when he can't even bear the thought of a life without Parad in it. However...it hurts to know that Parad still believes that he doesn't deserve a chance to be forgiven. It hurts even more because it was _Emu's_ fault for rejecting and ignoring Parad that made the bugster lash out. They wouldn't have lost so much time if Emu hadn't been so narrow sighted.

Emu shakes his head, angry at himself. "I should've offered you my hand _long_ before that— not when you were terrified and we were pushed into a corner." Grasping the bugster's hand in a trembling grip, he bows his head. "I'm so, so sorry for ignoring you and hurting you for so long, Parad."

"We _both_ did stupid, hurtful things." Parad brushes his thumb across his tear stained cheek. "Even though it really hurt when you ignored or rejected me, I still went too far when I used Chronicle."

Emu frowns as he reasons. "You didn't understand."

"Maybe," Parad agrees quietly. "But a part of me knew what I did was wrong. I just didn't wanna care."

"Parad..."

His best friend shakes his head as if to break away from his thoughts before Parad sends him a grateful smile.

"Thank you." Parad leans down to rest their foreheads together. "Thank you for reaching out to me in the end."

Without thinking, Emu lifts their clasped hands and presses his lips to the fluttering pulse above Parad's wrist. The hand in his grasp twitches in response to the surprise he can see flickering in the bugster's eyes and Emu brings it up to rest the palm against his cheek.

"Thank _you_ for reaching _back._ Especially when I gave you no reason to after I hurt you," Emu murmurs in the space between them. Heart still aching, he nuzzles into Parad's hand. "Parad?"

The hand that was carding through Emu's hair shifts until both hands are cradling his face, thumbs brushing across his cheekbones in a light caress. "Yeah?"

"I don't ever want to let you go again." Eyes locking, Emu raises his hands to cover Parad's as his voice lowers in determined promise. "Never again."

Parad doesn't look away from him, eyes wide and surprised— and with something deeper, something vulnerable as the bugster relaxes.

"Me too." A hint of playfulness bleeds into Parad's smile. "Looks like you're stuck with me."

Mirroring the expression, Emu bumps their noses together. "I can live with that."

As they share a laugh, Emu can't help but think that hands really are amazing; for good and bad things. But most of all, Emu thinks that he's quite fortunate that these hands of his are also meant to have and to hold too.


End file.
